675+Top Steven Wright Quotes for 2025

Looking to add a dose of dry wit and brilliant absurdity to your day? Dive into 675+ of the best Steven Wright quotes for 2025, a fresh collection that proves his one-liners are as timeless as they are hilarious.

From deadpan observations to mind-bending humor, Wright’s unique perspective continues to spark laughter, thought, and occasional confusion—in the best way possible.

If you’re a long-time fan or just discovering his genius, these quotes are perfect for sharing, posting, or simply cracking a smile in today’s chaotic world.

Best Steven Wright Quotes

😂 I intend to live forever So far so good
🤔 If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you
🪞 I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
🧠 I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
🎯 What’s another word for Thesaurus
🔄 I was born by Caesarean section but not so you’d notice
🐌 I installed a skylight The people who live above me are furious
🕰 I spilled spot remover on my dog Now he’s gone
🌎 Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time
🛏 Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards I got a full house and four people died
⏳ I bought some powdered water but I don’t know what to add
📞 I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be I called someone They went “Aaaaahhhh!”
🧍 I’m not afraid of heights I’m afraid of widths
🚪 I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific
💭 I have an existential map It has ‘You are here’ written all over it

Steven Wright Quotes About Life

These quotes explore life’s absurdities through Wright’s sharp, surreal lens:

🌅 It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it
🛤 I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly
🧘 You can’t have everything Where would you put it
🧩 Every morning is the dawn of a new error
🚶 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory You couldn’t park anywhere near the place
🔄 I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering
⛅ If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something
🪞 The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese
⏰ I plan on living forever So far everything is going as planned
💡 It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is it’s always room temperature
🧍 I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
🎭 I know when I’m going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date
🌍 Life is like a ten-speed bike Most of us have gears we never use
🔍 If you think nobody cares try missing a couple of payments
🧠 Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it

Steven Wright Quotes Book

Here are quotes from or featured in Steven Wright’s writings and published materials:

📘 My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
🖋 I wrote a song but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is
📝 I invented the cordless extension cord
📓 I made a paper airplane but it caught fire mid-thought
🗃 I have a hobby I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world
🧾 I bought some used paint It was in the shape of a house
📚 I wrote a book on reverse psychology Please don’t buy it
🖊 If you can’t hear me it’s because I’m in parentheses
📖 I have a full-size map of the United States It’s the same size as the actual United States
📰 I Xeroxed a mirror Now I have an extra
🔍 I invented the invisible airplane It doesn’t fly but you can’t see it
🖼 I took a Polaroid of my future now I can’t go back
📒 The book I read had this sentence: “He felt as though he were being hunted by a rhinoceros” So I stopped reading
🔗 I made a chain-link necklace out of spaghetti
📐 I used to be a narrator for bad dreams

List of Steven Wright Quotes

A curated list of his classic and bizarre quotes for quick laughs:

💡 I have an inferiority complex but it’s not a very good one
🌪 I like to skate on the other side of the ice
🔌 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights Now it looks like I’m the only one moving
🔄 If you were going to shoot a mime would you use a silencer
🪞 I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went Then it dawned on me
🎣 Why is the alphabet in that order Is it because of that song
🌬 It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
🪑 I used to be indecisive but now I’m not sure
🧯 I saw a fire hydrant with a sign that said “Wet Paint”
🗺 I went on a 7-day diet once All I lost was a week
🕳 I bought a map with all the countries missing It’s a puzzle now
🛁 I washed a sock It disappeared The Bermuda Triangle is in my dryer
🚿 I once tried to drown a fish
🔒 I locked my keys inside my apartment I had to use a crowbar to get my thoughts out
🎵 I heard an echo It said something I didn’t

Steven Wright Quotes Funny

These one-liners are full of classic, laugh-out-loud humor:

😂 I poured spot remover on my dog Now he’s invisible
🥴 I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time
🧹 I went to a garage sale I bought a broken vacuum cleaner It’s just collecting dust
🪑 My theory of gravity keeps falling apart
🍕 I put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room and let them fight it out
🕳 I once bought a blank cassette tape from a mime
🧲 I tried to catch some fog I mist
🧽 I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired
🎲 I bought a lottery ticket with the numbers from my fortune cookie It was a Chinese take-out prophecy
🔇 I bought a silent alarm clock It doesn’t go off
🧢 I spilled shampoo in my eyes Now I’m seeing lather
📦 I opened a fortune cookie and it said “You’re doomed”
🕶 I saw a guy with a sign that said “Will work for food” So I gave him a banana
🐍 I once played poker with snakes I lost a lot of chips
📡 I installed a microwave in my car Now I get speeding tickets in seconds

Funny Quotes Steven Wright Quotes

Double the humor—quotes so good they’re funny twice:

🤣 The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach
🧮 I put my air conditioner in backwards It got cold outside
🚦 I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants but you couldn’t park anywhere
📏 Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect
🔑 I have a key that opens no doors I just carry it for conversation
🪜 I once tried to fail and I did
🛎 I put a hotel room in my name just so I could check myself
🪀 I went to the bank and asked to borrow a dollar They asked for ID I gave them a mirror
📡 I built a satellite dish out of soup cans Now I get homemade channels
🪫 I recharged my phone with sarcasm It died
🪪 My ID expired now I’m a mystery
💬 I yelled into a canyon but it sent back sarcasm
🥽 I wear sunglasses at night because my future is so dim
🧊 I added ice to my computer Now it’s running cool
🛒 I shop at the metaphysical section in grocery stores